An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about famous English cathedrals. So he bought a plane ticket and made the trip to London, thinking that he would work his way across the  country. On his first day he was inside a London church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "£10,000 per call". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.  The priest replied that it was a  direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. Next stop was in Manchester.  There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.  He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in London and he asked a nearby nun what it's purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for £10,000 he could talk to God.  "O.K., thank you", said the American. He then travelled to Nottingham, Coventry and Bath and in every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "£10,000 per call" sign under it.
 With his first chapter going well, he left Bath and travelled to Whitby and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "10p per call." The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. "Father, I've travelled all over England, and I've seen this same golden telephone  in many churches. I'm  told that it is a direct line to heaven, but in all the cities I've been to the price per call was£10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?" The priest smiled and answered, " You're in Yorkshire now son, it's a local call ".

A Secret Service agent is standing at the bottom of the stairs as President Clinton is leaving Air Force One, and can't help but notice that the President has a pig under each arm.
The Agent salutes and says, " Welcome back, Mr. President. Nice pigs, sir."
Clinton smiles and says, " These aren't pigs. These are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks. I got this one for Hillary, and I got this one for Chelsea."
The Agent says, " Good trade, sir!!"


I love cats ... they taste just like chicken
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Your kid may be an honor student but YOU'RE still an IDIOT!
My kid can beat up your honor student!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
If you make it idiot proof, someone will just come along and make a better idiot.
He who laughs last takes too long to get the joke
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
i souport publik edukasion
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
Ever stop to think...and forget to start again?

50 Fun Things to Do in an Elevator
  1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
  2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
  3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: " Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
  4. Whistle the first seven notes of " It's a Small World " incessantly.
  5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
  6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
  7. Shave.
  8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: " Got enough air in there? "
  9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
  10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
  11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
  12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: " Noogie patrol coming! "
  13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
  14. One word: Flatulence!
  15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go " plink " at the bottom.
  16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
  17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: " I've got new socks on! "
  18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: " Oh, not now, damn motion sickness! "
  19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
  20. Meow occassionally.
  21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
  22. Frown and mutter " gotta go, gotta go " then sigh and say " oops! "
  23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
  24. Sing " Mary had a little lamb " while continually pushing buttons.
  25. Holler " Chutes away! " whenever the elevator descends.
  26. Walk on with a cooler that says " human head " on the side.
  27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce " You're one of THEM" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
  28. Burp, and then say " mmmm...tasty! "
  29. Leave a box between the doors.
  30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
  31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers " through " it.
  32. Start a sing-along.
  33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask " is that your beeper? "
  34. Play the harmonica.
  35. Shadow box.
  36. Say "Ding" at each floor.
  37. Lean against the button panel.
  38. Say " I wonder what all these do " and push the red buttons.
  39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
  40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your " personal space. "
  41. Bring a chair along.
  42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: " Wanna see wha in muh mouf? "
  43. Blow spit bubbles.
  44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
  45. Announce in a demonic voice: " I must find a more suitable host body. "
  46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
  47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
  48. Wear "X-Ray Spec" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
  49. Stare at your thumb and say " I think it's getting larger. "
  50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler " Bad touch! "


A student in a science class wrote, " The universe is a giant orgasm " ( instead of - organism). At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, " Your answer gives new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."

Other statements gleaned from tests: All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.

Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.

Men are mammals and women are femammals.

Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science.

This procedure is called gross anatomy.

The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why you should.

Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogen. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water. When oxygen combines with anything, heat is given off. This is known as constipation.

When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.

H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

The pistol of a flower is its only protections agenst insects.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacumm: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artifical perspiration.

For fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or put the head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow.

This is not meant to be crude. It is strictly for your edification and enjoyment.

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger, it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as " plucking the yew. "

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French,saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years, some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around this symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say (like " pleasant mother pheasant plucker ", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow), the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter. It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird ".

About Love

If you love something, set it free ......
If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours .....
If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with .....
If it just sits in your living room ...
messes up your stuff ...
eats your food ...
uses your telephone ...
takes your money ...
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place ...
you either ...
married it or gave birth to it.


Adenoids: Space Creatures Whut Are Keepin's Elvis Alive on Pluto.

Anasthesia: Rushun Princez Yall Studyed in Skool.

Antacid: Haloosinagenic Drugs Uzed by Little Bugs.

Artery: Whut the Plastik Jesus On Yer Dashbored Is.

Bowel: A Alfabit Letter Lyke A, E, I, O or U.

Cat Scan: Lookin' for Hookers.

Cauterize: Makin' Eye Contak With a Hooker.

D & C: Washington--Whar the Weirdos, Purvurts and Kongress Peepul Live.

Enema: Someone Who Ain't No Friend.

Fester: Yer Unkles Name.

Genital: Hed of a Army--Fer Instanz, Genital Robert E. Lee.

G.I. Series: Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.

Hypodermic: Big, Fat Zoo Crittur.

Pap Smear: When Peepul Sez Nasti Things Abowt Yer Pappy.

Recovery: Whar Yew Fix Up Yer Ferniture.

Rectum: Whut Happenz When Yew Drive Yer Pick Up Truck Drunk.

Seizure: Emperore or Rome.

Testicles: Books of the Bible.

Tumor: Number of Beers Yew Can Drink After Last Call.

Urine: Opposyte of Yer Out ..

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

First Bull: " Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight him till I run him off or kill him, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of." I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: " Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: " I'll have plenty of cows to take care of, if I just Stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: " he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull."


I believe you should live each day as if it is your last, which is why I don't have any clean laundry because, come on, who wants to wash clothes on the last day of their life?

Give me the strength to change the things I can, the grace to accept the things I cannot, and a great big bag of money.

Home is where the house is.

I often wonder how come John Tesh isn't as popular a singer as some people think he should be. Then, I remember it's because he really stinks.

For centuries, people thought the moon was made of green cheese. Then the astronauts found that the moon is really a big hard rock. That's what happens to cheese when you leave it out. --Age 6

My young brother asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth--that most of us go to hell and burn eternally--but I didn't want to upset him.

As you make your way through this hectic world of ours, set aside a few minutes each day. At the end of the year, you'll have a couple of days saved up.

If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting started.



"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom."
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife!"

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for the second date."
"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love."

You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."

"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."


"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them!"

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."


"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular."

"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful."

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long."

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful."
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet."
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television."

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me."

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills."

"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores."

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love."

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me."


"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love."
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food."

"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are...on fire."


"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day."

"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you."

"Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents"

"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out."

"You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one."
"My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome."


"They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values."
"My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind."

BOSSES When the body was first made no one part was boss. All the body parts spoke up in turn and each demanded to be made boss.

The Brain:" Since I give man his intelegence and his ability to reason, I should be the boss !"The Eyes: " Since I give man his vision and alert him to danger, I should be the boss !"The Arms & Hands: "Since I do all man's work,earn his living and provide for him, I should be the boss!"The Leg's: "Since I carry man where he wishes to go, I should be the boss !"And so it went, one body part after another each speaking up and demanding to be made the boss, untill finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded to be the boss. With this all the other parts began to laugh at the Asshole. The Asshole was so angered that he closed himself off and refused to function.  Soon the other parts began to suffer.  The Brain became clouded and could not function, the Eyes became blured and suffered double vision, the Arms and Hands hung limp at man's side, the Legs cramped and could not carry man, and so on ,until finally they all gave in and made the Asshole boss. The Asshole sat back and did nothing but pass alot of shit.


You don't have to be a Brain to be a Boss, just an ASSHOLE !!!!!!


10. The monitor is up on blocks.

9. Outgoing faxes have tobacco stains on them.

8. The six front keys have rotted out.

7. The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts stored in them.

6. The numeric keypad only goes up to six.

5. The password is "Bubba".

4. There's a gun rack mounted on the CPU.

3. There's a Skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.

2. The keyboard is camouflaged.

AND the number 1 way to tell if a Redneck has been working on a computer is...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "critter".

How one Christmas tradition got started...

Christmas Eve is supposed to be a happy time, but this year it wasn't.Santa was really cheesed off, NOTHING was going right. Mrs. Claus had burnt the Christmas cookies, the elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.Santa was beside himself with anger. "I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk and my elves are on strike. I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas Tree.He said, "Yo, Big Fat Man, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?"And that's how the tradition of the Angel being perched atop the Christmas tree came to pass.

One day, shortly before Christmas, a man was shopping for a gift for his children, and went into a pet store. The owner showed the man the usual array of pets, puppies, kittens, hamsters, etc., but the man said he was looking for something a little more unique. The owner said, "I might have what you are looking for!", and took the man into the back room, where a bedraggled looking parrot sat on a perch. "This is Chet. He is a perfect Christmas pet, because he sings Christmas songs." The owner took a Bic lighter out of his pocket, lit it, and held it under Chet's right wing just far enough away to keep from singing the parrot's feathers. Immediately Chet began to sing, "Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way." Then the owner held the lighter under Chet's left wing, and the squawky sound of "Silent night. Holy night" poured out of Chet's beak. The man bought the parrot on the spot, and took him home. His children were gone when he got home, so he decided to check out Chet's talent for himself, just to make sure he hadn't been tricked. He lit a match, held it under Chet's right wing, and sure enough the bird began singing "Jingle bells.", just like before. Moving the match under Chet's left wing produced the same results as in the pet store. "Silent Night." Being of a curious nature, the man decided to hold the match between Chet's legs to see what would happen. Immediately the parrot began to sing, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire."

Journal Entry

JAN. 24 - 5:00 P.M.  It's starting to snow.  The first of the season, and
the first snow we've seen in years.  The wife and I took our hot buttered
rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down,
clinging to the trees and covering the ground.  It was beautiful!!!

JAN. 25 - We woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the
landscape.  What a fantastic sight!  Every tree and shrub covered with a
beautiful white mantle.  I shoveled snow for the first time in years, and
loved it.  I did both our driveway and our sidewalk.  Later, a city snowplow
came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from
the street.  The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it

JAN. 26 - It snowed an additional five inches last night and the temperature
has dropped to around 11 degrees.  Several limbs on the trees and shrubs
snapped due to the weight of the snow.  I shoveled our driveway again.
Shortly afterwards, the snowplow came by and did his trick again.  Much of
the snow is now brownish-gray.

JAN. 27 - Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon
became ice when the temperature dropped again.  Bought snow tires for both
cars.  Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 to the Chiropractor, but nothing
was broken.  More snow and ice expected.

JAN. 28 - Still cold.  Sold the wife's car and bought a 4X4 in order to get
her to work.  Slid into a guardrail and did a considerable amount of damage
to the right rear quarter panel.  Had another 8 inches of the white shit
last night.  Both vehicles covered in salt and crud.  More shoveling in
store for me today.  That goddamn snowplow came by twice today.

JAN. 29 - 8 degrees outside.  More F****in' snow.  Not a tree or shrub on our
property that hasn't been damaged.  Power was off most of the night.  Tried
to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which
tipped over and nearly burned the house down.  I managed to put the flames
out, but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and
eyelashes.  Car slid on ice on way to emergency room and was totalled.

JAN 30 - Goddamn Mother F**kin' white shit keeps on coming down.  Have to
put on all the clothes we own just to get to the F**kin' mailbox.  If I ever
catch the Son-of-a-Bitch that drives the snowplow, I'll chew open his chest
and rip out his heart.  I think he hides around the corner and waits for me
to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100 M.P.H. and
buries our driveway again!  Power is still off.  Toilet froze and part of
the roof has started to cave in.

JAN. 31 - 6 Goddamn more F**kin' inches of F**kin' snow and F**kin' ice and
God knows what other kind of white F**kin' Shit fell last night.  I wounded
the F**kin' Snowplow Asshole with an ice ax, but he got away. Wife left me.
Car won't start.  I think I'm going snow-blind.  I can't move my toes.
Haven't seen the sun in weeks. More snow predicted. Wind-chill -22 F**kin'
degrees! I'm moving back to California!!!

Twas the night before Christmas
da whole house was mellow
not a creature was stirrin'
I had a gun unda my pillow

When up on da roof
I hoid somet'in pound
I sprung to da window
to scream "KEEP IT DOWN!"

When what to my
wanderin' eyes should appear
but dat hairy elf, Vinnie
and eight friggin' reindeer

Wit a bad hackin' cough
and da stench o' boiped beer
I knowed in a moment
Yo, da Kringle dude wuz here!

Wit a slap to dere snouts
and a yank on dere manes
he cursed and he shouted
and called dem by name

Yo Tony, Yo Frankie
Yo Sally, Yo Vito
Ay Joey, Ay Paulie
Ay Pepe', Ay Guido

As I drew out my gun
and hid by da bed
down came his friggin' boot
on da top o' my head

His eyes wuz all bloodshot
his B.O. was scary
his breath was like sewage
he had a mole dat wuz hairy

He spit in my eye
and he twisted my head
he soon let me know
I should consider myself dead

Den pointin' a fat finga
right unda my nose
he let out some gas
and up da chimney he rose

He sprang to his sleigh
obscenities a-screamin'
and away dey all flew
before he troo dem a beatin'

But I hoid him exclaim
or better yet - grump
Merry Christmas to all
and bite me, ya chump!

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